Chick Makes Me Tick
by YFIQ
Summary: "Chick Tracts" needs to be parodied and so with that, this will cover some of the comics written by one of the most demented zealots ever to grace this planet.
1. Lisa

**Author's Note:** It has to be done as each of the tract parodied would also have its respective honest trailer. Considering the utter ridiculousness of the comics written by a lunatic who have done the most amount of damage to his own religion (assuming that he wasn't trolling the whole time) since the WBC and terrorists such as Bin Laden, Falwell, among others. I have no idea how many comics will I do but with that said, I'm going to start off with this...

 _Christianity became the most dominant religion in the world, especially in the Western world. However, as with any religion, it also have the kind of people who would do what they can to promote it in ways it would give atheists reasons to act like dicks toward them. Seriously people, it's because of you that Richard Dawkins exists and we have extra flame wars over the internet, nice going!  
_

 _One such person is Jack Chick, a comic book artist who spend nearly five decades drawing Christian propaganda in hopes of destroying the religion once and for all. One such work is "Lisa", a story so bad that it even got retracted upon its release._

 _Follow the story of a man named Henry who spends his free time watching porn, molesting his daughter, pimping her with their neighbor, making her into a popular child prostitute in the neighborhood, resulting in Lisa getting infected with herpes. Not only that, the wife would spend much of her time at home getting drunk in an attempt to hold back the jealousy she has toward her daughter for the attention she has...  
_

*plays a clip from an episode of Elfen Lied where Mayu was ordered by her stepfather to strip down*

 _I wonder if that's where Lynn Okamoto gets his ideas from._

 _Later on, things would change that one night when Henry goes to see a doctor who informed him of the fact that he knew about his wrongdoings. Instead of notifying the police or the child protection services, the doctor decides to tell him about Jesus Christ and that by simply asking for forgiveness, everything will be fine...seriously? Not only that, after returning to his home, he then converts his wife within a matter of minutes and all is fine.  
_

 _Gee, I wonder how long will it be until the neighbor blackmails Henry, causing him to relapse? Not to mention the fact that Lisa will still have herpes and that all the doctor did was tell her child molesting father to accept Jesus Christ when he should have been doing something such as calling the authorities or at least get Henry a professional help? Seriously Jack Chick, do you really think it's going to stick? What the hell is wrong with you?_

 _No wonder why this piece of crap have been retracted which is saying something considering it's Jack Chick._

 ** _Starring:_**

 **Joseph Fritzl** (Henry) **  
**

 **Mayu's mom** (Linda) **  
**

 **Violet** (Lisa) **  
**

 **"Arrrg, I be a doctor!"** (Doctor) **  
**

 **Friendly Neighborhood Paedo** (Charlie) **  
**

 _ **Chick Retracted!**_

 _With the way things are going, we may be able to enjoy few more years of his works at the very least._

* * *

 ** _The Devil from Hell's Kitchen  
_**

Henry was limping toward his home while his blood continues to drip from his face just before the man's legs gave out. After laying there for few minutes, a passerby calls from the nearby payphone and later, Henry was rushed to the hospital where he would spend several days eating through a straw. Despite his family being notified, no one comes to visit until one night when someone enters through the 3rd story window.

Hearing the sound of a window being forced open, Henry wakes up to see someone entering through the open window and upon his horror, it's his assailant from the week before. Remembering the warning the stranger gave him after pummeling him in the dark alley that night, Henry struggles to reach for the nurse call button on the television control right next to him, only to fumble the control.

Next thing Henry knows, the stranger then grabs him by his neck and said in a growling tone, "I know it's not over."

"The reason is that you have relapsed before and the doctor who attempted to help you through religion have been dismissed for not being able to separate his personal beliefs from his job."

Unable to speak, all Henry could do was whimper.

"However..." the stranger continues, "Because you have also been blackmailed by your neighbor who enabled your despicable act, you have done yourself a favor by telling me his name that night and I have already taken care of him. He will no longer be able to walk anymore and this should give you a much better chance of changing for the better so you better not make me regret this."

"Because if you ever touch your daughter again, I will kill you, understand?"

Henry fearfully nods.

Soon, the man in black with his eyes completely covered by a headpiece walks to the window where he then climbs out, never to be seen again as Henry kept his promise for good.

However, the trauma will remain for the rest of his life, as it should be.


	2. Sin City

_Amongst the long running comic series by Jack Chick comes the tract that would be admired by the Westboro Baptist Church, **Sin City**._

*Shows a front cover of Frank Miller's **Sin City** *

 _No, not that **Sin City** , I'm referring to the crappy one..._

*Shows the cover of the tract*

 _That's the one!_

 _In this story, a priest gets assaulted by couple of members from the Village People for holding up a homophobic sign citing Leviticus in the middle of a gay pride parade. You know, if you're going to hold up a picket calling homosexuality an abomination and citing Leviticus, can't say you're not asking for it, even if it's technically not a hate crime. Also this particular section of the Bible beloved by Westboro is against anyone who wears clothing that has more than one kinds of material, basically making majority of us heretics by that standard.  
_

 _However, to be fair what happened to the priest can be considered a hate crime, making this ironic but this wouldn't be the first time a Chick Tract would make the opposition over the top evil._

 _*_ Shows the covers of several other Chick Tracts*

 _Later on, the priest would be sent to the hospital where he gets attended by a stereotypical gay reverend who has a demon sidekick attempts to preach to him about how god loves everybody along with some other stuff which actually sounds much more reasonable than whatever the hell Jack Chick was trying to convey. However, in the world of Jack Chick, having reason and rationality is something that is promoted by the devil.  
_

 _Frankly, I'm not surprised.  
_

*Plays a clip from **The Waterboy** *

"Ben Franklin is the DEVIL!"

 _Everything is the devil!_

 _Then brace yourself for the usual Chick formula we have all been waiting for as a colleague of a homophobic reverend who happens to resembles Adolf Hitler will show up and preach to the gay reverend about the evils of homosexuality. After several panels of boring lecture and light finding conversion, the gay reverend suddenly became straight within seconds. Guess if you change after hearing some half-baked nonsense from the Bible that wasn't even used in its full context as well as the logic that can rival that of a typical Ed Wood movie, you're easy to brainwash.  
_

 _Ugh, why the hell I'm doing this? Just how many more?_

 _Time to get this over with..._

 ** _Starring:_**

 **Jesse Lee Peterson** (Malcolm)

 **Freddie Mercury** (Gay Police #1)

 **Gay Glenn Hughes** (Gay Police #2)

 **Night Sky Gear from _Straw Hat Samurai: Duels_** (Random costume worn at the gay pride parade float)

 **Hitler** (Bob)

 **Jack Thompson** (The organizer of the gay pride parade who appointed the gay reverend Ray)

 **Big Gay Al** (Ray)

 **Gremlin** (Demon)

 **Michelle Obama** (Malcolm's wife)

 ** _Jack Shit City!_**

 _You know, when it is stated in Leviticus about homosexuality, it doesn't mention anything about a woman lying with another woman as she would with a man. Basically that means Leviticus is a-okay with lesbianism._

 _Hmmm...when you think about it, aside from the crap about the different fabrics, Leviticus is actually awesome!_

* * *

Malcolm wakes up to find himself tied up on a chair and as his eyes began to adjust to the darkness surrounding him, an effeminate voice said, "You have finally woke up despite going easy on the chloroform we have prepared for the day when you attempted to interrupt the parade."

The priest saw several shadowy figures standing in front of them as the light turns, revealing them to be members of a budding boy band known as "The Merry Boys".

"Our objective is to spread our message of love to the entire population." one of them said.

"Yeah, once that happens, the world won't be able to resist our conquest!" the other said.

Stunned, the priest then said, "I knew you abominations are up to no good, but to think you're planning to target the entire world..."

But then after a moment of thought, he then ask, "...but how are you going to conquer the entire world? There's not enough of you fags to spread your sinful nature unless you have an entire...oh my god...the entire community are in on it aren't they?"

The merry men then laugh and one of them who resembles Lance Bass from 'NSYNC said, "No, the gay community weren't in on the plan as they wouldn't have been on board from the beginning so we have to do this ourselves."

"And besides...since you won't live to reveal our plans, we'll might as well reveal our true identity."

One by one, each member of the boy band unzip himself and the skin then falls away like a cheap piece of clothing. Soon, five small crablike creature emerges from what used to be five men.

 _Craaaaaaaaaaab people!_

 _Craaaaaaaaaaab people!_

 _Craaaaaaaaaaab people!_

"We are the crab people!"

"We've been forced to live underground for thousands of years!"

 _Craaaaaaaaaaab people!_

 _Craaaaaaaaaaab people!_

Malcolm was shocked, the creatures that resides underground? While he had heard rumors but it sounded nothing more than something from a television show where the writers ran out of ideas and winged it at the last second just to beat the deadline.

 _Craaaaaaaaaaab people!_

"You demonic creatures...there's no way you will succeed, believe it!" the priest yelled.

 _Craaaaaaaaaaab people!_

 _Craaaaaaaaaaab people!_

 _Taste like crabs, talks like people..._

The crab people then returns to their disguise and zip themselves back up.

"That's what they all say but so far none have succeeded in thwarting our plans of conquest."

"Once we turn the entire world's population into metrosexuals, the resistance against us will be futile!"

Before Malcolm could respond, one of the disguised creatures pulls out a gun and shoots him in the head.

 _Craaaaaaaaaaab people!_

 _Craaaaaaaaaaab people!_

 _Craaaaaaaaaaab people!_

 _Taste like crabs, talks like people..._

 **Author's Note:** Yeah I was drawing blanks on this one so I did what Matt Stone and Trey Parker did in 2003 while working on that particular episode, wing it!


End file.
